i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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