Just fell off a train. Bad.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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