I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
