Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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