so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
