so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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