bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
