I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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