on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
