he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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