im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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