Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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