I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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