hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
