I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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