my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
