just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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