i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
