the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
