a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
