proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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