i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
