Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
