Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
