I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
