I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
