So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
