This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
