I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
