you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
