Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
