walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
