at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
