Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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