Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
