My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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