he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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