i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
