Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
