how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
