You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All the doctor said was why
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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