Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you had me at cake vodka
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
