It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
