im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Randomize
