he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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