I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
