I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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