Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
