Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
