We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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